I am not an eloquent person. I do not have a way with words. I'm nobody special.
It's been pressed upon my heart to share my story, my testimony, and how I got to the place I am now...eager anticipation for the Lord to collect His bride. So let's get to it.
I had a fairly normal Christian upbringing. I actually don't remember a ton from my youth and beliefs, but I do remember that we attended Catholic Church as a family every Sunday. My sister and I attended CCD in preparation for first communion and confirmation. In high school we attended youth groups. That's where my memories end. I couldn't tell you any scripture I knew by heart. I couldn't tell you much about the Bible outside of what any nonbeliever could also tell you.
My freshman year in college was a disaster, to be frank. In hindsight, most of my life I have sought some kind of approval. When a boy wanted to date me in high school, he was met with complete disbelief. I'm not really sure where it came from, my mom and dad love me very much but I just never felt good enough to anyone in the outside world. I have chased after wanting to feel loved as a young adult, a desire to want to feel attractive, important, sought after. Not a great way to live. After my freshman year, I moved back home with my dad and stepmom to attend community college and get things back on track. I did really well in community college and received my associate's degree and moved on to finish my four year degree at another university. During this time, I do not remember attending church once. I'm fairly certain I didn't own a bible either, so I definitely wasn't reading one.
Fast forward through the next few years that consisted mostly of more of the same experience at my first university, but with slightly better grades. I was looking for something in all the wrong places. I got my degree and moved into the real world continuing on with this pattern. I dated guys that were definitely not Christians, and while I still believed in God...I didn't see this as an issue.
Many more years passed of seeking things in places I shouldn't have been. Nights out drinking too much, partying, seeking attention from men. After a breakup, I started attending a non-denominational church and signed up for a small group...but even then my mind was in the wrong place. I would search the room in my small group assessing the single guys. It pains me to think about how I used to live. I wish I could go back to that girl and shake her....or hug her.
Eventually, I moved states and over a set of interesting circumstances, I met and married my husband. After we were married, I remember a day sitting at the dining room table and starting to cry. I started telling my husband that I felt the Lord calling me back to Him. It was time to return to church. We went together on Sundays and life was good. Stressful, but good. Then we decided to start a family and wow did my life change...as did my relationship with the Lord.
In my 30th week of pregnancy with our first child, my water broke unexpectedly in the middle of the night...10 weeks too early. We rushed to the hospital where I was admitted and told I would remain until birthing our first son. I was given many emergency treatments to try to stall my body and give that precious baby more time. The treatments brought me straight to the feet of Christ, as ultimate pain and suffering can. I remember calling out to Him. I remember feeling peace that our baby would be okay. We eventually came out the other side two weeks later with a three pound baby boy. He had to go to the NICU for a few weeks but we were both okay. We were elated to take him home and resume our "normal" routine. He was still on oxygen at home and very small, so he couldn't go to daycare. I was permitted to stay home with him while working from home and keeping my job. Stresses of life started piling on and little did I know, I had postpartum depression. I actually wasn't able to recognize it for what it was until having my third child....but we'll get there. Our marriage started to feel the strain of stress and undiagnosed ppd. My husband would leave for work and I would end up crying in frustration being alone with a trying baby.
Soon we were pregnant with our second, and added on the stress of worrying if he would also be a preemie baby. Everything ultimately turned out fine and we were a family of four before we knew it. We continued on with our strained lives, attending church on Sundays but nothing more. I did end up buying a bible but never opening it. Then came sweet, life altering baby Hannah. I felt the Lord calling me to having three children. I couldn't explain it to my husband other than the Lord has pressed this on my heart. So we had our third. And planned a cross country move at the same time. I had many issues with my pregnancy with Hannah that you can read about in previous blog posts. I'm going to try to do this justice because this is the most important part of my testimony.
My pregnancy with Hannah was very rough. Labor was scary because it happened so quickly. The day we got home from the hospital, I knew something wasn't right. It was immediate postpartum anxiety which then led to severe postpartum depression. Simultaneously, I had to have my appendix removed. It goes without saying that being separated from your days old baby to have surgery on your abdomen is not ideal. Again, I won't rehash all the details - you can go back a few blog posts to read all of that. So a week or two into being home, my husband set up a doctor's appointment for me because things were just not normal. We went together with our newborn and I just sobbed through the whole visit. She prescribed me Zoloft to try and we went home. I took the first dose that night, and that is truly where my journey to a real two-way relationship with the Lord began. The Lord had been pursuing me all my life, and I was finally starting to take notice.
The night I took the zoloft is the night I thought I would die. I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. About an hour after I took the dose, I felt really funny and decided to go lay down. My thoughts started to turn on me into very sinister things and I had to have my husband come lay down with me while I just cried until I fell asleep. It turns out some SSRIs can push you in the wrong direction. That was my first and last dose of zoloft. Things did continue to worsen as the days went by. Every night when I crawled into bed, I would say the Lord's Prayer until I fell asleep. I couldn't be left alone most days. Along with the depression and anxiety, I also had insomnia. I filled my days with talking to the Lord, listening to worship music only, and lots of crying. I spent a lot of time pondering as well. What was the purpose of all of this? Why did I feel it pressed on me by the Lord to have Hannah, only to end up in a life or death situation? Now I understand. It all brought me to Him.
Once we moved to Alabama, I started a new antidepressant that eventually provided relief. I still used prayers to fall asleep at night and worship music constantly to drown out any self harm thoughts. I learned to rely on the Lord to bring me through this impossible time in my life. Eventually we started going to church.
In 2021 I decided that it finally wasn't enough to just own a bible. I wanted to read it. All of it. So I set out on reading the bible in a year. I actually completed it (I'm a serial quitter), and I actually LOVED it. At some point in the year I started to feel a hunger for reading my bible. Then almost exactly one year ago, I felt it pressed upon my heart to temporarily skip ahead and read Revelation. I read the whole book of Revelation one evening in one swoop. Then I closed my bible and said, wow....let's not go there again! At first pass it can be very intimidating and scary. At the time, I didn't know that the Lord was leading me down this very specific end times path, preparing me.
Shortly after reading (and not comprehending) Revelation, I unexpectedly came across an instagram account dedicated to end times prophecy and a pre-tribulation rapture (words I knew nothing about). I felt pulled to it, and I dove in. Suddenly, the world made a LOT more sense and so did my bible. Scripture was jumping off the pages. I had an urgency in me to find out everything I could about end times, the current state of the world, and what scripture had to say about it...all while continuing to read through the bible cover to cover.
I have to admit, when I first came to all this information, I cried....a lot. I have three small children that I won't likely see grow up. That realization was pretty hard, until I came to understand what the trade is. No, I won't likely get to see my kids grow up. But I will get to see them playing with Jesus, epilepsy free. I won't likely see them get married, but I will get to experience the wonders of Heaven with them for all of eternity. I won't likely see them grow up, but we will all experience a love unlike anything we've ever known. Once I understood what was waiting for all of us, my heart shifted to yearning for eternity. I long to see my Savior's face, to feel that immense love and complete acceptance, to see the end to all suffering and hurt, to receive my glorified body (I gotta say I am extra excited for that after all I've been through).
Last October, I got baptized. I had felt called to be baptized for YEARS and I ignored every single one of those calls. I wish everyone could feel what I felt as I read through the bible for the first time, and as I read through it again and again now. Salvation is for anyone who calls on the name of the Lord and believes. I pray that message reaches everyone who needs to hear it. Coming to a relationship with Jesus has been the best thing I have ever done in my life.
Okay, this got long and I don't want to rattle on anymore. I'll have some follow up posts about pre-trib rapture, how I got into everything prophecy, how my family has grown in their relationship with the Lord through my example, etc... but I do want to say...if you are local to me, I would love for you to come to church with my family. It is a loving, welcoming church that digs into scripture verse by verse and they have a great children's ministry that will teach kiddos the bible.
If you are or are not local to me and you need a bible, I would love to give you one.
If you have questions, I'm here to try to answer them.
If you are suffering with postpartum anxiety and depression, I am here for you.
If you want to know more about end times and scriptures relating, I am open to chat.
If you have a prayer request, let me know and I will include you in my prayers.
Friends, Jesus loves you so much that He died for you. He wants a relationship with you. He wants to be there to carry you through your hard times.
Know where you are spending your eternity.
Love you all.
Steph
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